everything exists before it becomes, but becoming only starts at consciousness.

on soulmates, romantic destiny, and the process of becoming.

recently, my friend raz and i had an interesting conversation about romantic destiny (i managed to convince her of my view on soulmates), and so this piece is about exactly that.

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i don’t believe in soulmates.
i do, however, believe that people can become soulmates.

i believe that people can work towards becoming each other’s yin and yang, but that takes time, and it takes patience.

raz said ‘i feel like you can meet them immediately,’ soulmates, that is, and i replied saying you can meet them and know you have the potential to become soulmates, but i was very adamant in saying ‘you’re never soulmates when you meet.’

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to me, soulmates are made, moulded, and masterfully crafted by the tenderness of trying, to the point that, despite the often conflated view of “love at first sight” being a very pretty one, (i really can’t emphasise this enough) that’s all it is; a mere view—into the future, of the future, of a future—of what you want (or what you think you want), of what you need (or what you think you need), and of what you deserve (or what you think you deserve) from your future.

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raz argued that ‘you [can] just naturally sink into each other without noticing,’ and i must say, i’m very proud of what i said in response, but before i get to that, i just wanted to acknowledge how good sinking feels when you (momentarily) forget that even your kitchen sink eventually connects to the sewers.

‘that sinking is becoming,’ i said in response.

raz: ‘the sinking is immediate.’
me: ‘becoming is immediate.’

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women are born with all the eggs they’ll ever have in their lives, and so, invariably, some part of you existed in your mother’s mother’s body before your mother was even born, and it’s the same with your grandmother and her grandmother, and hers with hers.

now i wouldn't say this means you and i have existed as you and i from the very moment those eggs were present, because technically that would mean we’ve all existed (in some form) forever, but what i would say it means, what i do say it means, is that:

‘everything exists before it becomes, but becoming only starts at consciousness.’

(sidenote: yes, i’m pro-choice).

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raz said ‘to become suggests an element of time,’ and she’s very right given that becoming—like any other verb—is a process, and therefore, its existence hinges on a series of actions being taken in order to bring about a particular end, but as i said to her: ‘everything needs time.’

raz felt as though ‘the whole thing’ (falling, sinking, drowning etc.) was ‘immediate,’ or at least it started immediately, because she’s sure she experienced ‘some level of it,’ and it is here, now, that i’ll give you the definition of “becoming,” as per the cambridge dictionary:

becoming — to start to be.

me: ‘it isn’t immediate, the connection just already existed.’

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as i said before, ‘everything exists before it becomes, but becoming only starts at consciousness,’ and i say this to say: the feelings raz felt immediately—feelings typically associated with “love at first sight” and/or romantic soulmates—feelings of sinking, falling, and melting into each other, those feelings were her being made conscious of the often imminent, and occasionally ongoing, process of (romantic) becoming.

connections that feel too deep for having been freshly dug, connections that feel timeless in spite of their infancy, these are connections that have always had the potential to exist (due to shared views, values, beliefs, experiences, and interests), but these potential connections can only become real and tangible ones once the self is actively made conscious of them.

we can only start falling for someone once we know they exist, and even then, you only start falling during the early stages, and at that point, what you’re falling for, you’re not even 100% sure that that exists in the ways you want it to yet.

those feelings of falling for someone, i’m talking those day one, day two, day three feelings of talking to someone, those aren’t feelings rooted in reality—they’re feelings rooted in your desires for it.

what you start feeling immediately, that isn’t love. that’s your loving the waiting in preparation of it. your loving the waiting in anticipation for it. what you’re in love with then, isn’t the person standing before you, but rather the person you want them to be.

what you fall for when you fall for the idea of “soulmates” existing as this perfect person waiting for you, and only you, is the promise of this person, the potential of this person, the idea of this person, and the excitement that that futurity gives you.

soulmates are built and earned, not found and retrieved, and the sooner we unsubscribe ourselves from these beliefs—of love being something other-worldly, of your future partner being an alien who’ll land at your feet in a u.f.o., ready and waiting to serve you—the sooner we’ll realise that love is as natural as we are, and thus, its complexity lies in its simplicity; in the simple truth that, as humans do, and as plants do, love requires nurturing and nourishment in order to grow into something truly beneficial and advantageous.

so no, i don’t believe in soulmates (in the “this apple off this tree was specifically made for me” kind of way), but i do believe in soulmates (in the “there is no one else i’d want to experience the process of romantic becoming with, and so you’re the plant i’ll forever choose to water” kind of way).

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P.S. it’s interesting how being met by romantic potential is so commonly and comfortably related to the inception of downfall, both physical and emotional, rather than something that stabilises and elevates. i don’t think that does us any favours as it pertains to our collective fear of connection, and the language of love (as descent) is something i intend to read more (and therefore write more) about, very often in the future…

so subscribe!!!

but if you’d like to read more on my opinions on love, check out the intro to my essay on the “male loneliness epidemic” and ineffectual romantic discourse, titled men made themselves lonely, and now they’re crying about it.

thank you for reading, and know that you are loved <333